The Fear of Returns

It all starts when you purchase that item that you loved in the shop but you didn’t try on because either the queue was too big or you were strapped for time so you risk it for a choccy biscuit and buy it….

You get home and in your excited mood strip off and try it on….oh…no…

Its looks awful…what were you thinking?!  Oh…God…now you will have to deal with the dreaded returns process.

You sheepishly glide into the shop clutching the bag with your item in it…palms sweating as you near the queue…you arrive at the cash desk and are greeted by a cheery looking sales assistant…as you lift the bag onto the desk their smile fades and you are greeted by a sullen facial expression crossed with confusion (Why Oh why would you do this to us now we are never going to hit our sales target for this hour?!)

You know you didn’t steal the item and you have the receipt and the tags are still on but you can’t help but look guilty…heart racing a bit faster than usual you try and make light of the situation  with a quick quip which only annoys the sales assistant more. They always ask for a reason which again fills you with dread…

You: “It’s the wrong size”

Sales Assistant: “We do sell it in larger/smaller sizes”

You: “It’s the wrong fit”

Sales Assistant: “Can you not grow a few inches… maybe break a rib to make it fit?”

You: “I’ve overspent on the budget this week”

Sales Assistant: “Will this £40 really make a huge difference to your life…it’s the same as having a take away on a Friday night (as they look you up and down) and they’re soo bad for you”

The only acceptable and non-refutable excuse is to say you have just changed your mind…although you will still get an annoyed look from the sales assistant.

They fondle the item to check you aren’t a thief or have come back with a faulty item…like you squeezed your bottom into a pair of jeans that were way too tight and the button popped off but you’re too embarrassed to admit it…as they do the process your attention turns to your purse which you fumble around in desperately trying to play it cool and praying you didn’t leave your bank card on the kitchen table.

Whew its over they are satisfied with the return and all in the world is ok again…as they finish up the process your mood shifts and as you get your returns receipt you cheerily turn to the cashier and say ‘Thank you so much!’ As they look back at you…you can see the hate behind their eyes reminding you of what you have done…

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